Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
HBO
HBO GO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son