Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
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“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
i hate you platonically
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy