Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
They’re the worst 😩
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Terribly Tuesday.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho