Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
You Might Also Like
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.