Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

*bludgeons you with a block of cheese

*eats evidence

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.