Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

If looks could kill

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.