Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*