Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
North and South
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
one week till the election
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.