Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
jesus, what did this guy do
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer