me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
This guy gets it.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My circle of trust is a meatball
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish