Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

Short story

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.