Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

Spring cleaning checklist…

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.