Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Writing, She Murdered.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*