Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery