Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

There is no “we” in pizza

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi