Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

We avoided this particular disaster

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”