Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Realize this:

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.