Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.