Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.