Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Google assistant rules

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.

But, no, instead we have all this!

long lost

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

💀

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter