Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The Book. The Movie.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.