Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I am patiently waiting for your email

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.