Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The days of good grammer has went

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

😂

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.