ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
You Might Also Like
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.