@ShesARealGenius

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

You Might Also Like

@ThugRaccoons

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

@4SLars

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

@Tharin_P

“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“…What?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”

@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

@KevinFarzad

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch