Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

My blood type is coffee.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store

The two types of wives

Can. I. Help. You.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”