Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

placebo pills? more like sike meds

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?