Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tested negative for patience.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.