Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does