Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

🥶🥶🐶🐶

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.