me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”