me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
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Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
😾
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
This 4th of July, please remember…
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is