[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
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“My daughter ain’t dating no black lab”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?
“God’s last name is not Dammit.” Unknown
put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems