“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.