@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

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@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@Reverend_Scott

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

@Phook75

I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house

@CeruleanGates

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

@SteveSuckington

Eat shit dude! No seriously, it’s good for your eyes. You’ve never seen a dog with glasses have you?

@ClichedOut

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems