Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Most fashion shows these days…
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.