Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.