Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.