IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
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You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.