Me: *breathes* *gains weight*

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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.


Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.


After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.


[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible


IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
IP: Okay, someone that’s not my wife.


[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*


I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.


My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you