I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hey I worked for it too!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.