Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
