Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

This fish is cracking me up

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

*performs CPR on the turkey*