Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon