Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.