Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner