Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.