Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

ugh not again

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Uh oh…

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet