Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
edward fingerhands
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing