Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stop laughing at this

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.