Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?