Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!