me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?