Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.

THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?

THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?

THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Just a reminder, folks:

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?