me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.