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@iwearaonesie: me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
@NoTheOtherJohn: [God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
@philosophia7: "I'm married to a raving lunatic."
- Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor's golden retreiver.
Joke's on him. That dog tells me everything.
@UncleDuke1969: "I'm calling you because you're easy."
"You're not even very good."
"You're just the best I can do this late."
Dominos: "Your order, Sir?"
@ashmensch: If you ever see me driving slow it's because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
@Donnie_Fairburn: DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does