me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
You Might Also Like
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
