Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.