Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?

ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter

11: so we’re poor

M: yes

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥