*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
There is no “we” in pizza
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”