Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay