*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’