Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.