*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Just organising my finances.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…