Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.