Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Anyone really

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

cause of death:
autopsy.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

me opening up to someone

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”