Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

😂

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.