Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.