Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Monday

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

❤️🦆

any last words?

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.