Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
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Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I need better friends
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*