Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.