@UncleDuke1969
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
@chuuew
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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@UncleDuke1969
@That_Damn_Duck
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
@qwertying
Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?
Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
@starringmichell
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
@yonewt
WANTED: crew for submarine movie
Must enjoy:
—violently throwing oneself from side to side;
—getting positively drenched;
—shouting while turning a bunch of valves except one that just won’t budge dammit
@Dustinkcouch
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
@nonchalantnacho
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
@_babyfrog
i think about this illustration by cécile dormeau a lot
@Swishergirl24
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
@SardonicTart
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”