ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

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Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.


My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.


Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir?

Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?


[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.


WANTED: crew for submarine movie
Must enjoy:
—violently throwing oneself from side to side;
—getting positively drenched;
—shouting while turning a bunch of valves except one that just won’t budge dammit


When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.


I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.


*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”