ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Nose
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?