ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
aura
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
🤣🤣🤣
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*