@joejwest

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

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@TuSoonShakur

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

@PickleRudd

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@TwatyTweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@Duchess______

I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal