WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal