Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare